Self Suicide

There was One.
The One.

Many people saw different faces, in different places, but that was untrue.
Just one, very aware, masquerade.

Not entirely unnecessary or unwarranted. Life throws up different situations, and a human who has tasted salt and spice, will naturally adapt and react and morph.

Sometimes there is awareness of the current state of mind, the show being put on. Sometimes it is spontaneous and subconscious.

Today was different. Today was turmoil, torture.

Highly aware, unable to run, caught in the ring with himself. How could he?!
Why was fate/universe/God/ doing this to him??
If only he could turn back time; He wasn't really to blame; If he's reached THIS level of callousness, it's hopeless; But it was just a one off incident....

A distraction, a smile, a good time, a nice song, an engaging problem, a conversation, a break.

And then back in hell. Back to Parallelogram one.

The voice inside the head grows louder, and dominates, and poisons.

And then there were two.

Of course everybody hears voices in their head, he said to himself. It was normal. Nobody just admits it. That was normal too.

"Really? Good then..."
"You really shouldn't have done that though...that's definitely not NORMAL..."

Yeah yeah sure..I know that already...

"No I mean, look at what you've done! How can you look at yourself in the mirror? How can you live with yourself...."

No wait, it's really not that bad...Actually..I mean...is it?

"Of course it is...there's no going back, no matter what you tell yourself...There's only one solution, only one ending in sight"

Hah! Sure...I'm definitely not ready to be kidded around, right now...

"Look at what you've done!! you can pacify yourself a 100 ways, but the damage's done..I mean, which sane, normal, person does this kind of a thing to another human being??

You're pathetic; You don't deserve a second chance...You should end it right now"

But, hey wait a minute there...

"NO! Do it...Finish yourself..Stop this misery that you call a life..You don't deserve it..STOP!"

I don't want to!! I think..

"STOP! END! NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE ANYTHING; YOUR LIFE DOESN'T MATTER! YOU ONLY CAUSE HARM TO OTHERS! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!!

PICK

UP

THAT

GUN!!"

No...........I don't want to....I think I can change....Help!!!



And then there were none.

Picture of you

The brain's a funny little object..Memories, are more often than not, snapshots of the objects/persons/places of which the memories are comprised of..

What's funny about this is, sometimes the brain tends to hang on to older snapshots of people. And we emote based on that. Be it a longing parent, reminiscing about the tot they held in their hand and felt immeasurable joy with, be it a spouse struggling in a dead marriage thinking about the romantic times shared with the other one and being dumbfounded at the separation between them, be it a friend anticipating/expecting things to work a certain way from his "childhood" crony; we all make that mistake once in a while...

Is this deliberate? Is this the brain trying to run away by not "updating" the images to a current, different, worse reality? Sometimes it is...It can get a bit perplexing with somebody totally hating and loving, essentially the same person (naturally, the person in question has changed/evolved, but still the same "meat suit"), but different snapshots of that person, in different points of time..If only you could still see the older version in the current one...

And in some cases, there are no updates available. We've reached EOSL. Hehehe. A nice and apt work term. End of Service Life. No more images to update. No changes available. Work with what you're left with. And this need not only be in the case of death. Total separation could cause this. And then the images started to blur. To corrode. Every recollection, further blurring what's available. Until what's left is a confusing, muddled impression of a hazy instance of a living person who'd once left imprints in your brain.

Yeah, that sounds about right.