Vivid

He's walking towards the pantry on the floor below, the usual hasi mazaak happening, and it's quite a cheerful day today, everybody laughing around, being loud...and now he's carrying Sowmya and scaring her saying "I'm gonna drop you now!" ('why the hell am I carrying HER?!') and that's when somebody shouts out from ahead of me, "She's BACK!!"

He looks up, turns around and sees her there. He thinks this is a dream. He can't believe it. He wonders why she's wearing that kind of make up. He wants to believe it. He can't. He checks out her weird sunglasses, resting on top of her head. He tries to say something, but mumbles.

He eventually puts Sowmya down (gently) and says "You're back!!" and gives her a hug ('why the hell is she so disinterested and aloof?') and then she smiles, not uncharacteristically, and says "I'm back" in a rather disinterested and aloof manner...

And then...

They're both walking together, him imploring her to tell her what the hell happened, where the hell Rama is, and what she was doing there!! ('how the hell did I get to Dispensary street?!') She proceeds to tell him  some vague story about how one of Rama's projects required him to be all alone, keep his wife out of his life, and when it came down to choosing between work and wife, he chose to ignore the latter, and how that was the nail in the coffin..He's unable to hide his joy at seeing her, but does offer the customary laments and apologizes for the way things turn out...And he tries to test his luck, and calls for a celebratory lunch, to mark her return! And that's where he rubbed fate the wrong way, for she makes up some reason, some commitment and leaves him hanging :)

Not very later...

He must not be there, must not be seen, she tells him...begs him to leave NOW, quickly, get out of sight...('wasn't it like 2 seconds ago that she left my side, and now she's already with Rama in the car?!')..."I must run", he thinks and is running ('great! just what I needed to complete this macabre scene...Rain!') down the road ('Sheshadripuram?!') and he catches a glimpse, miraculously, of Vishnu's photo on a phone which says "Incoming call Vishnu". 

He's wondering how that got there. He's wondering whose phone is that. He thinks he should pick it up off the dirty, leaf strewn, muddy street and answer it. He's wondering why he isn't doing that. He's also thinking how the hell did he spot it??

And now he's running for he has to avoid them, as she asked him to ('why??') Soaked. To the feet. Camouflage and well done!

And now he's running for he's late for a meeting at the office! ('at 8 pm??') His right calf refuses to move, every step feels like he's sinking deeper in the mire...The pain is unbearable, the helplessness agonizing!

An old man, who's also running, gets hit by a car.

Torture

Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga
Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga

Aaj dedo, Aaj dedo...
Sau baras se jage in nainon ko
Neend ka.. vardaan dedo, dedo

Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga

Gherti khushbuyen, Phir wohi aahate 
Barhan chaunkna, Phir wahi karvate
Wohi baahon ke gheron me bandhna
Wohi nazron ke saaye me tapna

Kab talak dor.. kheenchigi mujh ko
Kab talak dor.. kheenchigi mujh ko
Chod do mera abhimaan dedo, dedo (Probably the best line of the song...)

Maine tumse kuch nahin maanga

 - Indu Jain

From the movie Katha, sung by the great Kishore Kumar and Music by Raj Kamal

Hold on to reth

Reth is a good word. Means sand, of course.

That's what life is, I feel, sometimes. Hopping from one sand dune to another, sitting down, admiring it, playing with it and then trying to hold on to it. Of course, slips right through your hands. And you try harder.

Memories and experiences in your life can be similar. And since you don't have any control at all over that mass of a few kgs, the more you want to hold onto a memory, the worse u retain it. If only you could specify a caching algorithm.

The ability to revisit your own memories would have to be one of the most  awesome advances in science. And I'm not talking about going to a peaceful place and tickling your genitals and finding that inner tranquil spot so that the mind is pure and clear and reminiscing n all that. I'm talking about a full on matinee show, popcorn et al. You're there, but you aren't. You're experiencing all the emotions, except (aha!) they're new to you! Kinda like in a Pensieve actually, beaut concept that. The clincher of course being complete erasure of all the "data" pertaining to your previous experience of this experience, so that you can re"live" it.

Example you say? I'd wanna relive, not frequently, but definitely TRULY relive (for the first time, every time) the recently concluded blissphemy known as Rock in India. Metallica finally got here. Old. Lazy. Slightly out of tune, on very rare occasions. But you know the deal with incredibly talented musicians, they can't get rid of it even if they want to :) So, they came with all their announcements of safety (Delhi fiasco?!) and incredibly mellow approach (no swearing on stage:| ), but all of that was totally eclipsed by the truly awesome music they'd created, a few decades ago. They wanna play still, they love the music they made, it makes them tick, makes them feel alive. You'd have seen it otherwise. And I think maybe, maybe they loved us too, the "feedback" we gave on their internal monitors...

;)

exactly one day after the concert, and I need facebook to remind me the setlist:

Creeping Death, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Fuel, Ride the Lightning, Fade to Black, Cyanide, The Memory Remains, Welcome Home (Sanitarium), Sad But True, All Nightmare Long, One, Master of Puppets, Blackened, Nothing Else Matters, Enter Sandman, Am I Evil?, Battery and Seek & Destroy


And some day I'd definitely like to be back at Palace grounds, with the same bunch of ppl, the same mood, the same maahaul, and relive it. Scream at the top of my lungs. Think about how I felt when I first listend to this song 15 years ago, how my meagre brain had interpreted it in awe and really, just simply enjoyed the curious combination of audio signals, combining to produce vivid sensations.


Yet I can't.


Jim Croce went into mushyness with this song, but he had the general idea nailed down:


If I could save time in a bottle 
The first thing that I'd like to do 
Is to save every day 
Till Eternity passes away 
Just to spend them with you


Well, I'll just have to make the most of what's left alva? Quite a lot will be different this time when you're gone..Because of what you've done, or haven't..And I fear what will happen after. 

Guilt

Such a personal thing. It is amazing how incredibly personal that thing is. You can talk about it, reason with other ppl, get others' sympathy. But eventually it is your own courtroom that has to acquit you. Judge and jury and defense too.

And what about the outside world? Are they ready to see and understand your guilt? Or lack of it? Cos guilt can sometimes also be the result of very specific/personal moral standards/rules. And how do you show that to somebody, or make them see that? Heck, you have trouble getting through a simple feeling sometimes :)

Bottom line : You have to be ok with yourself in the end kano. Everything else is fixeable. Or doesn't matter.

Emutions

"I feel so ostrichized today" thought Remu, to himself. A fine Tuesday morning, no reason to be feeling low today! He'd woken up early, flapped his wings about and had a bright energetic start to the day. Yet while his mater found him grains to swallow, he couldn't help feel the blues. And the pinks. Yoicks!

And then there's the usual drill. Off to the mill. Every morning, same run of the mill thing to be done. Remu had to run to the mill every morning, where he worked.

The run wasn't a short one. Neither was the mill too far away. Just enough time for random, not-so-plebeian thoughts to occupy his poor "lil" mind. Today's main topic of discussion (with the other eminences inside his brain) was that of identity. Who am I, Where do I belong, How should I be...U know, that sorta thing? The usual things to be thought of during a mundane activity, where some out-of-body experience seems to be guiding u, making travel involuntary almost. But on a day when the blue pinks (or the pinky blues or the bluesy pinks) were afflicting him, the traffic on his brain's channel would take a rather sinister twist!

There're the cool Penguins at work, he thought. Some even eat on their own! While it wasn't a big deal for Remu, while he HAD eaten on his own earlier, there was some allure and charm in them. The thoughts, the actions, the choices...While it was clear he was not a penguin (really? :) ) it was also confusingly annoyingly "clear" that he could mingle and maybe masquerade as one!

Then there were the badass Kiwis. Bloody shit, flight went right to their heads. Always showing off with something or the other, Bah!! But it was undeniable that they were flashy! No interactions with them when they were flying, no sir no; just watch the proceedings in silence and absorb it all...At the same time, when they did land to rest their lofty wings, up close, they weren't a pretty sight...the interiors were ugly, ugly sometimes, but mostly fake! Didn't match up, add up with all the jazz and the panache on the outside...

And finally, the brothers in ankles...His own childhood cronies...Time spent proportional with comfort level, this is where he felt he most belonged. He knew how they thought, they knew how he fought and this was the definition and standard of fun in his life..Alas, change is ever constant but. Some emus had gotten into flying and jumping recently! It's not like he hadn't seen this coming, but handling change and thinking about the change are just two different things.

Any change for that matter. In fact he'd started thinking recently, why should offsprings of Emus be an Emu? Or rather, can't the emu mature into an Ostrich (Gawd!) like the Ugly duckling story?

"Hmmm interesting point, said voice no.1 inside his head, but I had the floor if I'm not mistaken? Is this Zero Hour or what huh???"

All birds considered, he still didn't know what he was upto and where he was heading. In fact what the hell is this Life all about? And that's a topic for when I'm getting back home maybe, said Remu, as he ran into the mill, absent-minded, straight into the huge pile of flour.

FLOPPPHHFFHHFFH!!!

Change

"Eshtappa? (How much?)"

"73 aitu saar (It's 73 bucks u oaf)"

.....

"Saar, Change illa saar! (Don't think this needs a translation)"

Bingo!

You've hit the nail on the head, Oh unknown, nameless, faceless, changeless, fictitious hawker!

People all around me and me, are looking for change. A break from the usual, the monotony, the "same old".

Right from what they wear, to what they eat, to what route they take to work, all the way to an "exciting, adventurous weekend getaway!", we're all ardent seekers of the dynamic.

Deep deep down, is it an attempt to make our present routine slightly more desirable? Cos humans are also supposed to be creatures of habit...Those habits, which make so many things second nature to us...When we seek change, are we just really only trying to make whatever we have currently, look 'good' to us again? Cos a momentary change ( a break from work, a new programming language u learnt, a weekend getaway) are exactly what they are : momentary..And lemme stop u right there if u think I'm saying that all changes need to be earth shattering and life altering...I'm probably maybe trying to find a middle ground there ;) something not ephemeral, something more long lasting...I'm trying to question the purpose of this change too...

And then there's also the concept of the comfort zone..if it is really so comfortable, would u still want that change? So that you can miss how comfortable it was, and come back and feel more comforted? And then get bored by that comfort and wish to shake things up a bit? And welcome to the vicious circle.

Surprisingly, I won't veer into the topic of how ppl deal with change that they don't want/seek. Maybe some other night.

No, I'm NOT listening to 'We Never Change' by Coldplay now :)

LAD

The title of this post is inspired by my good friend Kris' latest post, JAD. When I read it, I had no clue why he'd named that post that way. I still don't. Anyways, this post isn't about that.

Yesterday, just for kicks, I took my Android powered phone, made it a portable wi fi hotspot, connected to the wireless network using my iOS powered iPod and browsed randomly. It was quite fast! Phone was less than 3 feet away from iPod.

I must get out more and meet people.

A simple ad-hoc day

Garage Sale, New Onion Masala Dosa @ Madras Cafe, Shortbread + Vanilla Latte @ Peet's, Sunset @ Half Moon Bay, Massive Pizza and Pizzookie @ BJ's = Awesome evening courtesy Phani!

Put this on fb too...But this is more persistent and Pensieve worth so updating it here as well...In a random foreign city, ppl who don't know you really well are there to care for you and make sure you're not alone. That's a very important and key feeling they show. They are there for other Indians and wanna help them out etc...My first time in the US, in Santa Clara...Phani offers to drive me around and show me a good time...And an ad-hoc plan, which was first based on hiking, then turns into a beautiful sunset trip to Half Moon Bay! YP being around didn't hurt either :)

Just brilliant.

Seeing the feeling of community here makes me think about how we Indians, in India, take relationships for granted...A refreshing renewal of faith in camaraderie and bonhomie :)

E-nunciate

When you enunciate, you spit! - Gary Oldman

The reason I've a hyphen in the blog title, is today I wanna talk about virtual speech. In doing so, I'll include all kinds of communication, that you have when the other person ain't in front of you, ain't reading your face. I'll keep it textual, so that's sms, email, IM, facebook, blah bleeh

Hell, this blog counts too I guess! ;)

The main thing I wanna say here is, be really really careful as to what you say. An old friend of mine had once said to me, there's a lot of room for misunderstanding and ambiguity in the forms of communication outlined above, when I asked why I hardly heard from her.

And that point has retrieved itself out of the pensieve and hit me somehow, more effectively, in the recent past. Too many unpleasant and surprising and glaring incidents have left me reformed, a transient change at the least. When you're communicating "in absentia", the more the better...no wait, while that's true most of the time, I can refine and re-define that to 'the clearer the better'. The hardest part is to take yourself out of context and convey the info as you'd like it to be heard, but that's rather difficult.

To be aware that the other person is not inside your head is probably the best you can do :)

Test

So here's a new thing in the "new year"

I have decided to terrorize my gine chune blog readers with audio as well! (Evil loffter.)

Whenever I have a whim/fancy I shall find a karaoke and record my voice (sometimes not even that ah?) and upload it somewhere and link it on my blog. How much more self absorbed can I get? Hahahahaaahaha

And y'all, of course, will've to listen to it. Cos there's an embedded player n all. And its blue. And you just have to. (More evil loffter, which is losing its charm now and starting to sound like santa's laugh).

Starting with, Jeevan se bhari by Kishore Kumar from the movie Safar.

Brickbats in the comments, after you've woken up.